What Did I Do to Deserve This?
by Byakko's Kitten
Summary: aka the PenisCake fic. It's Sephiroth's Birthday, and Zack was drunk last night. Now he's dragged Cloud into the mess, and Cloud's not happy. Time for payback. Oneshot. ZxC if you squint.


What did I do to Deserve This?

AKA the peniscake fic.

Cloud was going to kill Zack. Why the older man thought it was a good idea to give Sephiroth a birthday cake with a penis on it, he didn't know. He didn't _want_ to know. He also wasn't sure how he' been conned into picking it up and delivering it, but he made a mental note to stop by his apartment first and pick up his cast iron skillet- he could brain Zack with it if necessary.

He was pretty sure Zack wasn't _completely_ responsible for the idea. Zack **had** been drinking with Reno before he ordered it. And Reno was… odd was being polite. 'Utterly batshit crazy' and 'lunatic' came to mind more often then not when dealing with the redheaded Turk.

So maybe he'd end up killing Reno too. It wasn't such a bad idea… Cloud shook head to clear his thoughts. He was definitely spending to much time with those two. It was starting to affect his own sanity-though that had been questionable even before he met Zack.

Cloud looked up from his musings as he opened the door to the very prestigious bakery Zack had ordered the cake from. "I'm here to pick up an order for Zack Donovan?"

This wasn't good. Every worker in the bakery was coming out to the front it looked like. Definitely needed to kill Zack. And Reno.

Then he saw the cake. It was very very different from what he had expected. Instead of just drawing an outline in frosting, someone had clearly had a field day. The lifelike penis jutted about three and a half inches from the top of the cake. It was 'pierced'. And, was that a…? yes, there was a cock ring as well.

Cloud's right eye twitched. Death was too good for Zack and Reno. He'd have to pick up his hunting knife as well; because he was going to castrate the both of them. And get them banned from anything alcoholic for a very long time.

He calmly paid for the cake, asking the clerk to give his complements to whoever decorated it, then left.

Cloud whistled as he made his way back to the Shinra compound; plans rapidly forming in his head. People quickly got out of the way of the petite blond carrying a box and whistling cheerfully with a murderous look on his face. The boy was clearly mentally unstable, and no one wanted to become the object of his ire.

Zack was planning something, Sephiroth was sure of it. It was his birthday, and he had yet to be subjected to some embarrassing display from his Second-In-Command. He truly hoped it wasn't anything like the stripper from last year.

He was fairly certain that that red-headed Turk was in on the plan this year, as the two of them had staggered in drunk last night, laughing over something.

Sephiroth sighed resignedly. There was no use trying to get Zack to tell him what the plan was so he could avoid it. He'd simply have to suffer through it. Just like he had every year for the past three years.

Zack grinned across the conference table at Reno. "Before we get too busy, I have an announcement to make." He stated as he stood. "Today is Sephiroth's birthday, and I decided he needed a cake." He made his way over to the door as he spoke, opening it to reveal Cloud and a cart with the cake box on it. "So I ordered one, and had Cloud here pick it up. I thought we could all enjoy it."

As the blonde cadet pushed the cart into the room, Sephiroth noted the heavy looking cooking utensil hanging on the side of the cart, and the hunting knife tucked into the teens' belt. One silver eyebrow arched. Zack may not have realized that his newest 'project' was dangerous, but Sephiroth had no such misconceptions. The boy had let it slip once that he had spent the majority of his childhood wandering the mountains surrounding his home. There was no doubt the boy had had to deal with wild animals and the like. That he was still alive indicated a great deal of skill or luck. The well worn look of the knife and it's sheath led him to believe it was more skill than luck.

With a longsuffering look, Cloud opened the box and lifted the cake from within. Setting it in front of Sephiroth, the blonde had the cast iron skillet off the side of the cart and acquainted with Zack's skull in seconds. As Zack collapsed on the floor (the skillet was apparently as heavy as it looked, Sephiroth noted) the teenager had closed and locked the conference room door, and was stalking Reno; eventually just vaulting the table in order to make the Turk join Zack on the floor.

As he moved the two unconscious men up into empty seats, Cloud explained to the rather shell-shocked room. "I'm sorry about the cake Sir, I knew Zack had asked for a decoration in that shape, I just didn't expect the bakery to do it like that. I'm fairly sure the original idea came from Reno though. Anyway, I called Zack's girlfriend this afternoon, and she said she'd take the cake if you don't want it Sir. Does anyone here object to my indulging in some psychological torture? I've got everything I need right here." Cloud had been busy as he spoke. The two men were very securely tied to the chairs they were seated on.

Sephiroth cleared his throat. "What exactly are you planning to do?"

Cloud gave him a bright, feral grin. "I'm gonna make them think I castrated them."

Sephiroth glanced at Rufus, then Reeve and lastly the three other Turks in the conference room. "Go right ahead. As long as there's no lasting physical damage, it should be fine. How did you come up with that plan anyway?"

Cloud's grin grew wider. "No, no permanent damage. I started planning as soon as I saw the cake. I stopped at Zack's girlfriend's place on my way back, borrowed her leg wax stuff- she said she'd take the cake if you want by the way. Anyway, I stopped at the mess hall before coming up here, one of the cooks likes me; gave me the container of blood I'm gonna use. All I've gotta do is wax their balls and dick, and make sure my knife has blood on it. And make sure they can smell burnt flesh when they wake up."

As he detailed his plan, Cloud had been busy. Pulling out a Seal, he had cast Sleep on the two unconscious men, making sure they wouldn't wake before he was done. He wrestled their pants down around their thighs, giving him perfect access to his targets. Then he had moved on to the box he'd got from Aeris, reading the directions as he absentmindedly poured lighter fluid and nail polish remover into a bowl. He quickly and efficiently followed the directions on the box, causing several winces as he ripped the cloth strips away with sadistic glee. That aspect having been done, he moved on, pulling a raw chunk of meat from the lower half of the cart. Dumping it in a shallow bowl, he poured the lighter fluid/nail polish remover mix over it and lit it with a match. With a soft 'fwoosh' the bowl lit with flames and the acrid scent of burning flesh filled the room. Cloud then unsheathed his knife and liberally coated it with blood from the container, carefully splashing some on the floor and on Zack and Reno.

The final item he pulled from the lower section of the serving cart was a plate with two sets of testicles on it. "Got to make it look realistic." was his only comment. Apparently deeming the scent of burnt flesh adequate, he doused the burning bowl, and waved it under Zack's nose first, then Reno's . As they stirred, he put the bowl back on the lower section of the cart and dipped his hands in the blood container; then sat down on the conference table.

Ow. Why did his dick hurt? And what had Spike _hit_ him with? Zack moaned as he came around, Reno's groans sounding in his ear. When his vision cleared, he found himself staring at Cloud, who was seated on the conference table, a bloody knife held in equally blood covered hands. And there were two sets of balls on a plate next to him.

It took a minute for everything to register and click together in his mind. When it did he panicked and could only make incoherent noises, which was followed by Reno's panicked shriek.

Cloud watched as Zack put everything together and grinned at the noises he made.

"You really shouldn't have pissed me off Zack. Maybe you'll think twice about pulling stunts like this again in the future. I'm sure Aeris will like the changes as well- I did get her permission after all."

Zack whimpered. Reno just hunkered down as best as he could given that both men were still tied up. Cloud's grin grew distinctly feral. "Really, you should thank me. It could have been worse you know. The General could have just assigned you to permanent duty in Hojo's lab. I'm sure you'd have just loved dealing with all the experiments. Some of them might have even ended up being on you!"

Cloud watched in amusement as the two idiots went through varying stages of shock and horror before Sephiroth finally cleared his throat and gave a pointed look. He sighed.

"All right, Sir. Both of you relax. You're still completely 'whole'. I just made it _seem_ like I'd castrated you. None of the blood is yours. Neither are the balls on the plate. I got those and the meat I burned from one of the cooks. I waxed you down there so that there would be lingering pain and sensitivity to give the illusion I'd actually done it." Cloud wiped the blood from his hands and began cleaning the knife. "Don't decide your pranks when you're drunk next time, kay? I've got to get this stuff put away, so I'll let you all get on with your meeting." Cloud sheathed his knife and turned to Sephiroth. "Sir, do you want me to deliver that cake to Zack's girlfriend, or would you rather keep it?'

Sephiroth looked at the cake still sitting in front of him. "Go ahead and take it to Miss Gainsborough, Strife. I'm sure she'll enjoy it more."

"Yes sir, I'll do that then." Cloud hopped off the conference table and pushed the cart over to the door, stopping to rebox the cake. "Happy Birthday, Sir. Ta Zack, see you when you get home." With that, Cloud bounced out the door, leaving Zack and Reno still tied to their chairs.

End.


End file.
